Personal Admissions

"The Perfectionism That Almost Broke Me"

I have seventeen drafts of this newsletter sitting in my computer right now.

Seventeen attempts to find the perfect way to tell you about perfectionism, each one abandoned because it wasn't good enough, clear enough, helpful enough, profound enough. The irony is so thick I could spread it on toast, but here we are—me, struggling to write perfectly about the problem of trying to be perfect.

My perfectionism used to feel like a superpower. I was the person who never missed deadlines, who double-checked everything, who could be counted on to get it right the first time. Teachers loved me. Bosses promoted me. I built a whole identity around being the person who didn't make mistakes.

But somewhere along the way, my superpower became my kryptonite.

I stopped trying new things because I couldn't guarantee I'd be good at them immediately. I spent hours on emails that should take minutes, agonizing over tone and word choice. I procrastinated on projects until the deadline pressure was stronger than my need for perfection—and then hated myself for the rushed result.

Worst of all, I became paralyzed by the gap between what I wanted to create and what I was capable of creating. Every piece of writing felt inadequate compared to the masterpiece in my mind. Every presentation seemed amateur compared to what I imagined it could be. 

I was holding myself to standards that didn't exist anywhere except in my own head.

Of course I had a breaking point - I spent three weeks rewriting the same two paragraphs of a project proposal. Three weeks of moving sentences around, changing words, second-guessing every choice. My deadline passed, and the opportunity disappeared. I’d created nothing in pursuit of creating something perfect.

That's when I realized perfectionism isn't about high standards—it's about fear. Fear of judgment, failure, of being seen as less than flawless. It's not excellence; it's excellence's anxious cousin who shows up uninvited and ruins the party.

In therapy, I learned that perfectionism is actually a form of procrastination - a way of avoiding the vulnerability of putting imperfect work into the world, of being seen as human instead of superhuman. It's safer to produce nothing than to produce something that might be criticized.

But perfectionism never tells you that perfect doesn't exist. It's a moving target that gets farther away the closer you think you're getting. There will always be another edit to make, another angle to consider, another way it could be better.

I'm learning to embrace what I call "good enough plus." 

• Good enough to serve its purpose, plus a little extra effort in the areas that matter most. 

• Good enough to be helpful, plus the courage to put it out there anyway. 

• Good enough to make a difference, plus the humility to improve it later.

This newsletter isn't perfect. There are probably better ways to explain these ideas, more eloquent ways to phrase these thoughts. But it's real, it's honest, and it's done. And "done" is better than "perfect" every single time.

If you're trapped in the perfectionism prison, here's your permission slip: 

• You’re allowed to be mediocre sometimes. 

• You’re allowed to try things you're not good at. 

• You’re allowed to put imperfect work into the world because imperfect work that exists is infinitely more valuable than perfect work that doesn't.

Draft number eighteen. Good enough. Send.

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