Personal Admissions

"The Trust I’m Learning to Build Again"

For most of my life, I didn’t realize how little I trusted myself. I trusted my work ethic, my ability to fix things, my instincts about other people, but not myself. Not the quiet voice that said, This isn’t right, or the gut feeling that told me, You’ve done enough.

Instead, I kept trying to earn peace by controlling everything. I checked every box, replied to every message, and planned every detail. I believed that if I stayed prepared, life couldn’t catch me off guard, but it always did.

I can’t count how many nights I’ve stayed awake replaying conversations, wondering if I said too much or not enough. How many hours I’ve wasted overthinking what someone might think of me. I told myself I was being thoughtful, but really, I didn’t trust that I was already enough without constant adjustment.

A few months ago, I got sick out of nowhere; a week where my body just shut down. The kind of exhaustion that no amount of caffeine or self-talk could fix. I had to cancel plans, reschedule projects, and let people down. For once, I couldn’t push through it, and something unexpected happened: nothing fell apart. The world kept moving, people were kind, work waited.

It was such a small moment, but it changed so much. For the first time, I saw that my constant grip on life wasn’t holding anything together. It was just keeping me tense.

Trust, I’m learning, isn’t about believing everything will go right. It’s about believing I’ll be okay when it doesn’t. It’s choosing to rest even when I haven’t earned it, to stay soft when my instinct is to armor up. It’s looking at uncertainty and saying, I don’t need to have this figured out to move forward.

Some days I still spiral. I still refresh my email too many times, still brace for bad news that never comes. But I’m learning to catch myself sooner; to take a breath, unclench my jaw, and remember that life has carried me through worse.

Maybe trust isn’t built in the big leaps, but rather, it’s built in the small, ordinary moments when you decide to believe that who you are, as you are, is finally enough.

And maybe the hardest part isn’t learning to trust life again; it’s learning to trust that you deserve the ease that comes with it.

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