"Ending the War With Who I Used to Be"

I was scrolling through old photos last week and found one from five years ago. I was smiling at a party, standing next to someone who would spend the next two years slowly tearing my self-worth apart.

My first thought was: How could you have been so stupid?
My second thought was: Stop.

I’ve spent years punishing my past self. Every bad decision, every missed sign, every relationship I stayed in too long; I've replayed it all with the clarity I have now and judged myself for not knowing then what I couldn’t possibly have known.

Looking at my life this way has been like watching a horror movie and yelling at the character for going into the basement, but of course she’s going into the basement. She doesn’t know what’s down there; she doesn’t have the audience’s perspective, or distance, or hindsight.

The criticism is relentless:
You should’ve seen the red flags.
You should’ve known better.
You should’ve been stronger, smarter, different.

I wouldn’t talk to anyone else this way, yet somehow I decided I deserved to hear it from myself constantly.

Here’s what I’m finally understanding: I made every decision with the emotional capacity, experience, and information I had at that moment. Not with the information I have now or the wisdom I’ve gained since. Not the perspective that only comes from living through it.

Five years ago, I didn’t know what I know now. Ten years ago, I was doing my best with tools I can barely remember having. Holding past versions of myself to my current standards is impossible and unfair.

The punishment doesn’t protect me, it just keeps me stuck, and ashamed of someone who no longer exists.

So I’m practicing something new. When I see old photos or remember old choices, I pause and tell myself: You did the best you could with what you had. You were learning.

It feels strange, almost like letting myself off the hook, but accountability doesn’t require cruelty. I can learn from the past without living stuck inside of it.

I’m building a boundary between then and now. I won’t drag the person I used to be into my present just to punish her for not being who I am today.

She got me here, and she deserves compassion, not contempt.

Someday, future me will look back on this version with the same clarity. I hope she’s kind about it.

The grace I give my past self is the grace I need right now.
You cannot shame yourself into growth, you can only learn your way forward.

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