What I’m Unlearning

That You Need a Reason to Say No

I used to say yes to absolutely everything. Taking on extra work, going to every event I was invited to and spending time with people when I really wanted to do anything else. 

But it wasn’t just because I couldn’t say no. It was because I couldn’t come up with a good enough reason to say no. Sound familiar? 

I had one friend, we’ll call her Marissa, who just wouldn’t take no for an answer. Any time I said I didn’t want to do something she suggested, she’d find some way to manipulate me into doing it. (“Why not?” “You’re no fun.” “Why are you avoiding me?” etc.)

And for a long time, I didn’t realize I was being manipulated. I just couldn’t bear to have someone be mad at me, or to face the exhausting back and forth where I had to have a ‘good enough’ reason to not go shopping for bandaids or hang out with her annoying friend, Kim or listen to her complain about her job for 5 hours. Again.

All I wanted was to stay home and watch reruns of Golden Girls and eat Doritos. 

I spent entirely too many hours playing twisty scenarios in my head where I’d catalogue an answer for every possible argument she could come up with.

My Unlearning moment was when I realized I cared more about preserving ‘me time’ than I did about appeasing Marissa. And if she was going to be mad about it, so be it. I decided that if I was firm and respectful, that was enough of a reason for a reasonable person to accept. 

You can control what you say and how you say it. You can’t control other people’s reactions.

So, I started to just say, “No thanks,” to things I didn’t want to do. And I have found that most people just accept that as ‘enough’. It has been incredibly empowering - and mentally freeing. 

What happened to Marissa? You know she got mad when she didn’t get what she wanted. But the important thing was that I got what I needed - peace of mind and a growing confidence in firmly sticking to my own decisions. (We also stopped being friends a few years later, but that’s a story for another time.)

Learning to say no isn't easy! If you need some help getting started, we recommend checking this book out:

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