"Letting Others Hold Their Own Feelings"

There’s a moment that happens in every close relationship when you can tell someone you care about is upset with you. For most of my life, that moment sent me straight into repair mode. I would rush to soften the tension before the uncomfortable feeling even had time to settle in.

Lately, though, I’ve been trying something different.

A friend told me recently that she felt hurt that I didn't attend her birthday. She said it gently, but the disappointment was there, and it was unmistakable. In the past, that disappointment would have undone me. I would have apologized excessively, explained every reason I couldn’t go, and possibly even promised to make it up to her, even if that meant sacrificing my own needs.

This time, I took a breath and I listened.

I said, “I understand why you felt that way.”

That was it.

I didn’t scramble to fix it or over-explain. I didn’t rush to reassure her that she hadn’t done anything wrong. While it was a small moment, it was a significant shift. There is a very old part of me that believes someone being upset means I’ve failed somehow, and that it’s my responsibility to pull them out of that feeling.

Gradually, I’m learning that caring about someone doesn’t mean carrying their emotions for them.

For years, I blurred those lines. If someone around me was sad, I felt obligated to lift them. If they were disappointed, I tried to erase it. I thought this was kindness. I thought it proved I was a good friend, daughter, or partner.

What it actually meant was that I didn’t allow other people to feel their feelings and I didn’t allow myself to honor my own boundaries.

Letting my friend sit with her disappointment gave both of us something important: space. She had room to process without me rushing in to rescue her, and I had room to stay grounded in a decision I knew was right for me.

And she did work through it. She realized my “no” wasn’t a rejection of her, just a moment where I chose rest. Our friendship stayed intact; if anything, it became sturdier because it weathered honesty.

I’m slowly learning that empathy does not require fixing. We don’t have to turn every sign of someone else’s discomfort into an emergency we must resolve. We don’t have to shrink ourselves to keep the peace.

You can be gentle, compassionate, and deeply caring without becoming responsible for everyone’s emotional ebbs and flows.

Sometimes the kindest, most respectful thing you can say is simply, “I hear you,” and then allow that to be enough.

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